Monday, April 12, 2010

It's All About Something Deeper

This is the revelation I had yesterday. Lately, my blog has been filled with things I want to change about myself. My body, my outward image, the state of my house, and how we live, all of them need to change. I have been asked if I have a poor self-image since I appear unhappy with everything.  Honestly, I'm don't have a bad self-image, I like to think I have a pretty realistic one.  On the other hand, how would I feel about my life if I wasn't battling depression? Would I have the issues I have without the depression?

I am not in any way, shape, or form trying to blame depression for the problems I have. I know that these are the results of my own action or inaction.  I know that when I'm depressed, it's hard to eat right. Knowing that, I also know that I am capable of plowing through it.  (I'm not saying this about every personal with any sort of mental health issue, I'm saying it for myself from experience) I choose to stuff my face with everything that tastes good to me because I momentarily feel better.

When I'm in a "low" time, it feels like everything I have is going into taking care of the kids, and sometimes I really feel like I've done a crappy job of that.  It's like their basic needs are met, but nothing more.  Why?  I really wish I could be more engaged with them, but it's hard. I can't explain it, but it's like there are times I feel like I don't deserve them.

So, back to last night... As I cleaned my bedroom, disgusted by how bad it has gotten, I realized that it's another symptom of my depression rolling downhill. I have no energy for much of anything, so the concept of cleaning falls down on the priority list. And suddenly, I'm filling half of our dumpster with crap that is broken or we don't need (but it's not in any condition to pass on).

I figure I'm never going to impress anyone, so why go out of my way to look good?  I already have a husband, so it's not like I'm single and on the market. I have a job and I'm not looking for a new one, so it's not like I need to impress anyone there either. The funny thing? I've felt more alive since I started consciously picking out outfits for the next day, not letting my hair air dry, and putting on a little make up.

Exercising has really helped me start to come out of the haze I was in. I proved to myself that I can make it through the workouts and I can force myself to press start on days when I don't want to. So now, I'm still going to make a point to exercise daily, but I need to prioritize. If my exercising winds up being a walk to the park with my family, I'm going to be okay with that. I still want to finish the 30 Day Shred, but I need to make sure I'm not putting off more important things for it. And dragging bag after bag from my apartment to the car or dumpster should count as exercise since there are 2 flights of stairs, right?

Blogging and making bloggy friends has taught me that it's okay to be vulnerable. When you put yourself out there, it can be scary, but it can show you how NOT alone you are. I think that's something important right now.


Crazy Mom of Four said...

Having battled depression myself for years, I can really relate to what you are saying. Thanks for posting this. It's good to recognize the things that can sometimes signal depression getting out of control. Hang in there!

sarah said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog last week, I am so sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you! I'm your 46th follower and Im looking forward to reading more!

Good luck with the exercising, and little bits of make-up and what ever it is thats making you smile, keep doing it! Youre worth it!

Heather said...

Thanks! I'm trying to face things head on this time and not hold back. I'm realizing that I'm far from alone, but many people don't want to talk about imperfections, especially when compounded by depression or any sort of mental illness.

NIkki said...

I have dealt with depression since I was 17 (I'm 31 now) and I can definitely relate. People who have never been truly depressed just cannot understand. And it's almost impossible to explain just you feel to them.
Just take it one day at a time and I hope you feel better soon!